Learning German Should be Forbidden

German-Lingua Franca in less than 50 Years from Now

Many people complain that learning German is a hard task. I disagree. In fact, I am working on a masterplan to make German the lingua franca of this lovely planet in about 50 years from now. Check out my ideas below. Of course, as a German, I am obliged to work properly. That means all data has been researched meticulously and all claims and ideas are meant absolutely seriously. If you find a trace of irony somewhere in the lines below, please let me know and I will give you a free lesson (on irony, not German of course). Now go and enjoy and contribute your share to make this a better world.

Don’t Mention the War

It’s not what you might think: I am not fed up with teaching that beautifully simple language to lovely people. Quite the opposite. I think everybody should learn it. And while -or rather because- I can see why many learners are struggling with learning it, I think there’s no excuse for not studying German any more. So I am schmitzing a plan that aims at making the German language the most spoken lingua worldwide in about 50 years from now. No worries, I will not mention the war… until later.

Idea 1: Forbid Learning German

What is forbidden seems to be attractive (see pot). I mean you shouldn’t lock illegal learners away nor destroy any books -Gott bewahre- but why not letting them pay a small fine when they are caught learning German? Or even make them quote Schiller’s Glocke (poem from middle-earth created solely to torture German pupils for hours or to have a justification to give them lousy grades) as a punishment. Just thinking out loud here.

Why should I learn German
verboten – forbidden / Image via Pixabay

Idea 2: Create a Computer Virus 

that changes any PC’s system language to German. Macs are mostly immune but luckily still only cover some 10% of the global market. In every language learning forum that I have dwelled, sooner or later someone suggests that you should change your settings to German, so that you are forced to learn the meaning of such useful words like: nicht stören (do not disturb) or Datenschutz (data privacy) or the word Einstellungen itself (i.e. settings). Unfortunately it neither translates your incoming nor your outgoing messages automatically into German. I admnit, the reach of this method seems to be pretty limited. Nevertheless one would reach most of this planet’s civilization and about 100 German words would be understood wherever you went. The sentence Einfügen-Ablage-Darstellung could be understood as: I would like to book a room in your hotel. A single bed. Nice view. Just saying.

Idea 3: Pay People to Learn German

I don’t mean people should only get their courses or teachers paid as they already do for many immigrants or unemployed but literally pay them a solid salary for half a year in addition to that and let them study six to eight hours per day. It is incredibly hard to learn German while you are working on a full time job. And if you are in a half-time job you might be having a hard time getting by which makes it more difficult to focus. The benefit would be obvious: a much better and faster acquisition of the German language. And for sure there’d be no more motivational problems.

Idea 4: Let’s buy Apple Inc.

… and only accept apps in German. We have so much money to spend on airports without airplanes that acquiring Apple is easily covered by the government’s budget for the first quarter of next year. I admit, it’s pretty similar to that idea with the virus but like this people would actually want to buy a German language device. And Siri would be obligatory tuned to German. Sorry, I don’t think that would work with Android devices. Their users like to change everything to their own liking and would just boycott our honest and forward thinking endeavor.

Idea 5: Let’s talk About Sex

Add some sex to it. Make the stuff people learn German with sexy, folks. I mean, look at your German teacher and ask yourself, couldn’t he look better? Look at the books. Their topics and characters. They are often so damn pc that it bores everybody to death before they can say: What the… in German. And it still might take this planet another 50 years to become a bit more hippiesque again but it’s definitely worth a thought. But you don’t really want to question the positive effect of sex on learning faster, do you?

Idea 6: Get rid of Language Learning Groups

I mean it. No more than two learners should be allowed together and then only if they lived together and could practice together. Not only would that prevent German learners from getting their ears and tongues infected with lousy Germanitis, it will also keep those sad foreigners away that take comfort in having found the perfect companion in you, that helps them avoiding getting in touch with real Germans.

Idea 7: Let’s Copy the Success Story of the English Language

What made English so successful one might ask. Next to the rather infamous colonization of many parts of this planet by the former British Empire, and the unceasing struggle of the US  to bring peace to the world by waging war (not implying that Germany is innocent here as it produces some of the finest weapons for this masterpiece of dialectic), Hollywood comes to my mind.

99,99% of the most seen movies worldwide are in English language (sorry, India, Bollywood is not meeting everybody’s taste as much as them). So assuming we all prefer love and peace on earth, why don’t we simply buy Hollywood or flood it with our immense choice of splendid actors and solely produce one blockbuster after another but this time in German language? The world will understand German in no time. Trust me. Of course dubbing will have to be prohibited.

Idea 8: PPL: Provocate Potential Learners 

… that they will never be able to learn proper German. Some really get off when they are being challenged. I bet that you will never be fluent in German.

Idea 9: Make Learning German a Piece of Cake

I am not talking about making learning German fun. Why would you do that? That’s like bringing sand to the beach, carrying owls to Athens or thriving snails to Metz.  Learning German doesn’t have to be made fun. Learning German is  fun by nature. If one does it right. What’s the right way then? Here you go:

It has to be explained simply and clearly. That means in your mother tongue. Any lesson conducted solely in German is a crime to Germanity. Those few remaining parts that simply don’t make any sense can be easily dealt with with the right memory techniques at hand. And last and most important: Context, context, context. Look at all these books to learn German. There is no natural context. Just chapters. One after another. As exciting as it sounds.

People will soon abandon such insignificant languages as Spanish or English. Learning Chinese? What for? It is German that will be spoken worldwide sooner than you think. smarterGerman is already there and growing stronger.

Idea 10: This one is for You

What do you think would make the world speak German? Leave a comment but remember: We all love peace and the illusion of freedom.

Whatever path the world will chose. I will not rest until you also speak proper German. Trust me, there is no other language out there that’s as beautiful as German. There’s no more excuses, there’s only smarterGerman.

Have a good time.