A few Changes to Germany’s Culture
Thanks to a certain right-wing party’s recent landslide election wins, the future of German culture has been secured. Under the working title “German Leitkultur”, native Germans as well as all visiting or migrating foreigners will have to obey the following principles. But don’t worry, it’s very easy to become a bit more German so the locals don’t get upset. Here is an overview of the core changes:
Veils will not be Allowed in Public
Men and women will not be allowed to wear any piece of clothing or item that hides their face. I can only assume it is because one never knows whether a woman wearing a burqa or niqab is making faces at someone. Or what if a man decides to hide behind a veil and to commit a crime. I couldn’t find any statistics about it but if I can think of it, others certainly will, and crime rates may rise. We already have a few “very committed” Bürgerwehren here in Germany whose self-appointed activities will soon be expanded to assist the Polizei in upholding the ban on veils and other crimes like looking out for gay men having sexual intercourse on autobahn parking places.
Strengthening Women’s Rights
As Turkish Premier R.T. Erdogan has made clear, women are above all mothers and should not be burdened by having to strive for economic independence. To lighten this burden, single mothers will not be supported anymore by the German Government. This will make women think twice about leaving their child’s father (even if he is not such a nice person) and re-stabilise German families, thus building the foundation for the next point:
The AfD wants to cut Taxes
… for enterprises and wealthy individuals. Finally, Germany will have a fair taxation system as one only has to make enough money to have to pay less taxes. If you think about it, why would the richest 1% have to pay for the remaining 99% of our country’s population? They are rich because they are working hard 48 hours per day, 62 days a month, 24 months a year. A nurse only would have to work for 2500 years and she would make the same amount of money as a manager at Daimler-Chrysler in ten years (e.g. Mr. Schremp allegedly made 80 Million in that time). It’s all about the chances in life, right? And everyone knows that someone who makes an average of Euro 1 Million per year is of more value to society than a nurse. Have you ever heard of a manager on strike or taking sick leave?
Paying less taxes of course means that we have to save money elsewhere and what better way to start saving than to cut social welfare. All those unemployed and disabled people cost society a fortune. After all, it is the family that causes the problem by giving birth to future social outcasts and therefore families should take care of them themselves. To further lighten a woman’s burden from the weight of economic independence, kindergartens will be closed so that mothers have a solid reason to stay at home and to motivate the husband to work overtime. Also, old people’s homes will be no longer be necessary as taking care of one more person doesn’t really add much to a mother’s workload.
Better Moral Education
With mothers being busy taking care of their families again and men joyfully heading to work harder than ever, at times adolescents might get off track. However, as long as they are still young they can easily be straightened out. And what’s better than teaching a youngling a life-changing lesson than putting him or her into jail. Twelve seems to be a perfect age in the eyes of our future leaders to face some character-forming time in solitary confinement.
Ignoring Global Warming
As we know from more than 2% of scientists global warming is nothing but a temporal fluctuation of our planet’s body temperature. The other 97% of scientists are obviously victims of misinformation and maybe even part of a giant conspiracy. As long as there is one scientist doubting global warming, it simply doesn’t make sense to take action. The money is dearly needed to make up for the tax cuts and increased budget for the Ministry of Defence.
Finally, we will get our own Second Amendment
If every household had a firearm, severe conflicts among Germans would diminish. Every year 830 Germans die from gunshot wounds. Approximately 750 of these were suicides (~90%) and the remaining 70 were accidents or rather affect based attacks by jealous spouses or criminals. That’s almost 0,001% of the German population and completely unacceptable. Just to put this number into perspective, in the US only 33,636 people died from gunshot wounds, 21,175 of which committed suicide (~62%) which is a 0,01% of their population, or just ten times more than in Germany. And people in the USA must feel significantly more safe than those in Germany with all those guns around which are certainly in the hands of reliable and responsible people. It was high time that Germany followed this successful model of self-defence and ensured that every home had a firearm in it. .
Above I have described the main changes that are to be expected if right-wing parties continue to have such success at the polls. As you can see they are in everyone’s best interest and will make our lives more secure and free us from the burden of having to make too many free and informed decisions or live in a society where we all agree that the least fortunate amongst us need help, single mothers should be supported and that dignity is something everyone should have and not just the rich.
At this point you might expect me to declare that this is all a bad April fool’s day joke but I must admit that I was lacking the imagination to come up with such a hopeful vision for my country’s future and only “enhanced” publicly available information. Luckily we still might have a few years left before this vision ultimately comes true but if we don’t wake up now, a post like this will soon not be posted just on the first of April anymore.
But hey, heads up. No matter how much to the right German society will move, knowing German will always be seen as a friendly act and might save your life one day.